I miss my grandchildren.

[fruitloop]

I am 55 yrs old and our 33 yr old son married a woman who has no interest in us. Infact she will do whatever it takes to not have us in their lives. Our son told us one day due to the fact he lives with his wife, how necessary it is he lets her win. Maybe she has the right to her choices, but it means we don't get to see our grandkids.

I was going to get legal advice, but everyone says it would be so unbearable showing up to their front door if we got visitation rights. It would be sad for the children, which concerns me.

What does one do when in your heart you feel it's wrong to not be able to see your grandkids?

It's been a while since I heard from our son and I accept he is doing what he does these days.

Why must I miss out on this experience?

[Grandma Sheila]

For fruitloop - I have just read your posting and my heart goes out to you. I have two girlfriends who are in the same boat and never see their grandchildren because of some bee in their daughters-in-laws bonnet. Both of these ladies are friendly and loving but it seems that it's the old daughter in law syndrome. I can say anything to my daughter concerning her two girls but I would not be as free with my daughter-in-law, because too often they can cut you off completely. I think you should try writing to your grandchildren just to let them know you care.
Grandma Sheila

[gbiggs84]

hi there grandma,
i have no idea what you are going through.
my in-laws live not even 1km away and never drop in to see their two beautiful grandkids. and then on the other end of the scale we have my mother who would do anything to see them each and every day. but she lives 450km away. not too sure what you should do about it. but all i can say is, follow your heart and do what you think is best. its not only you missing out its your grandkids to. so my main suggestion is that you call your son and ask them around for a bbq or dinner once in a while. and just try to get around her. my husband doesnt like my mother, but i would never let him stop us from seeing her whenever i want. please be careful. and good luck to you.

[carameloin]

Hi there

I'm so sorry this has happened to you the same thing has recently happen to my mother and it broke her heart. My sister and my brother fell out with my mother over her will of all things (which is still even steven, she just sold her old house bought a duplex with my other sister).
Maybe you could write a letter tell her how you feel and ask her how she would feel if one of her children did this to her. Could your son arrange secret visits? or be at the park or the shops at the same time but just pretend to bump into each other. Your son should have enough balls to stand up for you, I do not think legal action is the way to go that will just make more bad blood.
My Mother is lucky as she still has myself and my other sister who love her dearly and she now has 2 more grandchildren and one on the way. Again I'm sorry that you are in this position nobody wins least of all the children.
Take care xxx

[Neilj]

Just some advice from a daughter-in-law that's been there. My daughter's grandparent's tried taking me to court after not seeing her because I was ill. It made me angrier that they did this to me without even talking to me. I wrote back though and said about mediation because they were being disrespectful (I was no longer with her son either and had a new marriage and new baby etc.). This worked well because we got out what we needed to say and then moved forward for the sake of my daughter and her granddaughter. It has become very good because it has also given us the chance for our baby son to have a grandma too, as my husband's parents were both dead. These mother's cannot keep children at ransom, but it's all about respect and your son should have more respect for you. My children cannot see my parent's due to their mental illness's which is very sad. I hope for the best and keep sending cards and pictures to them, not to her, but to them. They will know the truth one day of how much you do love them and miss them.
T.

[Jitzo]

I fully empathise with your situation as it is the same here. Our son is about the same age as yours. His first marriage ended with a young son who very bravely declared he wanted to stay with his dad, with custody visits to his mum. In fact, I got on very well with the ex daughter-in-law and still do.

I feel that my grandson's life is confusing enough without our insistence on having a share of him although we do miss him. We try and see him whenever possible. At the end of the day, his security and assurance in the care and love of his dad and mum, separated as they are, dictates.

We make occasions of seeing him as affectionate and happy as best we can be although every moment not seeing or talking with him breaks our heart.

Going thru family court (as the young lad had over his parents' custody issues) would only create further distrust of the adults he cares about. We hope one day when he is old enough to understand we would be able to renew this bond. In the meantime, he is constantly in our prayers.

[azrenne]

Grandparenting is hard in this day and age because of the generation that now is here is totally different to any previous with the social ettiquette and righteousness required to extend beyond personal selfishness. unfortunately we live in a society now where the selfishness of the current parental generation is starting to manifest and we are feeling the effects of such...as they put themselves first and foremost above the overall picture that includes others.

Rather than broach this with the daughter in law, maybe working on the relationship with the son over time and drawing him in close to you through fussing over his good features and encouraging your bond with him, will gradually shift the power hold the daughter in law has.

When he is confident that he can spend time with you without attracting any antagonism or confrontation over the wife (and her faults) everytime he does, he will start wanting to mak the effort to bring the kids along with him as a shared fun experience he would want them to get involved with.

Daughter in law will only be a problem as long as it is nurtured by you to son as though she is. Dont dismiss her, she is there, so she has to be acknowledged, but do so only in civil minimum and make the focus of your attention mostly on him and in his support of anything but that which involves her (i.e. individual hobbies, career highlights, social highlights, positive reinforcing family anecdotes is a good one, as long as its not about parenting, about marrital issues, faults and fallacies); things WILL naturally shift in time if this balance can be maintained long enough.

Heard of the saying, out of mind, out of sight? If she 'isnt a problem', then there is no barrier for the son to work towards you (thus the grandchildren to follow).

It also supports you as the grandparent with the grandchildren for they will see that the angst will not be coming from you - kids are smart, they know who starts what and who keeps it going...they also will oneday want to know their grandparents when they become teens, its a natural curiosity - and thats when this kind of thing does pay off - they will see that you were fair and trying and will be more understanding and forgiving of that then attacking their mother (which would in the end make her have something to explain to them about why isolation eventuated - storm in a tea cup kind of thing)

I think making the direct confrontation to beg and plead for your rights with the son and the daughter in law will only shut down the in law partner from even extending an attempt to listen to you, let alone meet you half way; making them more determined to stand their ground against you. Work with what you have and that is your child, and strengthening that bond will naturally strengthen that with the grandchild.

remember these grandchildren have parents who are still your children. so as a child, how do they respond to your parental influences? respectful effective communication is the key!!

Wondering what others thought?

[go-tigers]

Hi fruitloop, I'm jealous! My son has no grandparents so he's up for adoption if you want! He's 10 and I'm 33 so I guess we're in the same age group...but seriously my mother is dead, so are both my ex's parents and my dad is living interstate married to witch who won't let him see his grandkids or even let us in the house (we have to stay at a hotel) but he is too scared to leave as he is 65 and doesn't want to die alone. Very sad but not unusual of his generation I imagine. I am a social worker and psychologist and what I have learned in simple - always support your family, even if they are nuts, but maintain your integrity and always act out of love. You can't change other people and lawyers won't help all you can do is tell your son how much you love and miss him and think about him and the grandkids and wait till they are older and see them as adults if that what it comes too. You can't control the way other people act but you can make sure you are always acting with dignity and focus on making yourself happy without relying on this to be resolved to enable that.